Many of us think our “broken places” (our struggles, past sins, hangups, shortcomings, etc.) are a detriment to our ministry. But for many of us, they become life-giving wellsprings for our ministry when we’ve let the grace of Jesus in. 

One of my favorite stories is found in Acts 9… It goes like this. Saul was on his way to Damascus to arrest followers of Jesus when he had a “come-to-Jesus” moment: “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?” He is struck blind, led by those with him to a house in Damascus, where he languished in prayer for three days. A man named Ananias is prompted by God to go and speak with Saul, and he baptized him into the Jesus movement. Saul went from a violent persecutor to a zealous preacher because, from that moment on, he began to speak powerfully in the name of Jesus. Acts tells us, “Saul grew more and more powerful and baffled the Jews living in Damascus by proving that Jesus is the Messiah” (9:22). He was so persuasive that the Jewish leaders in the town conspired to kill him, which encouraged the followers of Jesus to lower him over the wall in a basket. 

Acts tells us that he then “came to Jerusalem,” but this narrative neglects an important part of Saul’s life. The time difference between Acts 9:25 and 9:26 is approximately three years. [1] These are Saul’s “lost years,” when we don’t really know what Saul was up to. He went to Arabia and eventually came back to Damascus. 

We don’t know for certain how Saul spent his time, but I want you to take a moment to imagine with me…Your world has been turned upside down. You have discovered that what you decried as “heresy” is actually orthodoxy, and you’ve come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah and the Son of God! That will change your faith and your perspective; that’s a lot to come to terms with. I imagine that Saul spent a lot of time in study, pouring through the Hebrew Bible and discovering how Jesus fits into the story of God. This was a depth of theological reflection and reframing, a deconstruction and reconstruction on a scale few of us can understand! 

Saul probably spent significant time in prayer and fasting as well, asking God for his guidance and leading. He allowed God to continue ministering to his heart as he came to understand his past and present in light of God’s self-revelation. 

And I think Saul had to spend a significant part of his time working through his own honor/shame issues, and dealing with the trauma he had inflicted upon others. Think about it for a moment: Saul had been present for executions, had condoned violence, had personally sought “heretics” out of his faithfulness to a particular form of Judaism. But now he had to deal with the ramifications of having brought so much pain, turmoil, and trauma on others. For Saul, this was a moral injury he had to continue working through. [2]

We can tell that Saul did that work, however, based on statements from his letters and from Acts. Saul would often describe his former life (Acts 26:9-23; Philippians 3:4b-11; Galatians 1:13-16), but then go on to talk about the amazing ways that God worked through Saul’s zeal and his brokenness. And, eventually, it led Saul to write these words to Timothy:

12 I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. 13 Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. 14 The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

15 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16 But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. 17 Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. (1 Timothy 1:12-17)

These words reveal the heart of a person who has dealt with their darkness, their brokenness, their hangups… and has come to a place of healing. And from that healing flows Saul’s ministry. Saul wouldn’t have been the same missionary, pastor, or preacher had he not gone through this experience of moral injury.

Many think our struggles disqualify us from ministry, but when God has done his work it becomes a source of ministerial life.

In the fall of 2002, I was diagnosed with Major Depression, and I went through a four year journey of sadness, frustration, and struggle. At the time it felt like a huge trial: God, why am I going through this?!? Where are you?!? Do you even care? How can I minister for you when I feel like this? But that period reshaped me and retooled me as it taught me about perseverance, true hope, and coping skills when things don’t seem to be getting better. And it shaped my ministry: my time with depression has given me a heart for people going through mental health challenges, and this is a core focus of my ministry today.

Many of us hide our brokenness out of shame or fear. How will people view me when they find out? Will they respect me? Listen to me? Follow me? But if you have brought these experiences to the feet of Jesus and continue to experience his grace, forgiveness, and renewal, then those experiences can be the very things that give our ministry life, breath, and breadth. 

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[1 ]Galatians 1:17-18 tells us this.

[2] 2022 I did a series on moral injury. You can access those articles on Mosaic from April to September.