Don’t Forget the Spouses!
When a church hires a new minister, there are typically a lot of introductions, excitement, and unspoken expectations. Just as it’s important for the new minister to try to understand how they can best serve their new congregation, it’s also important for the search committee to communicate identified needs. This can be overwhelming, though, as ministers often feel pulled in different directions while trying to meet varying expectations of the congregants. Jim Fuller in his article, “10 Reasons Why Pastors Leave the Ministry,” lists the “disparity between idealistic expectations and reality” as one of the things that contributes to a minister’s stress and burnout. He reports that 94% of minsters’ families feel pressure from the ministry, and 80% are affected negatively. When time is poorly managed or too much pressure is put on the minister, the family can even feel like they are competing with the church for attention. Spiritually and emotionally, this can be incredibly damaging even to supportive families.
While this can be a difficult situation to manage, there is another variable that deserves serious consideration. While there may have been some increased awareness about the contradicting expectations ministers often face, their spouse can also face this. Over the years I have heard many stories of spoken and unspoken expectations on the spouse. This has varied from the assumption of specific ways they would be involved at church to expectations regarding employment. Some churches have wanted the spouse to not have a full-time career in order to support better the ministry of the church, or conversely to obtain a job that provides health insurance in order to save the church money. In either case, the spouse could be forced into a situation which they did not desire. Specific ministry roles may also be assumed, which may or may not fit their gifting.
The expectation that somebody will serve in a ministry position in which they’re uncomfortable could manifest in multiple ways; here are a few stops on this continuum. First, it could lead to gift exploration. As we are trying to figure out how we are spiritually gifted, in a new situation we can learn more about ourselves and how God may use us in the kingdom. Second, it could worsen the discomfort and not be successful. Even if the spouse performs these ministry roles, if she/he is not comfortable with it, it may not be as successful as someone who felt called to such a task. Third, it could cause them to feel trapped and unable to discover or utilize their spiritual gifts. While this is definitely on the negative end of the continuum, it’s something that merits serious consideration.
One of my areas of concern is women who are unable to figure out where they fit into a church. One situation I often talk about is when a woman understands from Scripture that she has a responsibility to serve the Lord using her spiritual gifts, but then cannot find a suitable place to do so. This can result in her feeling unfaithful to the Lord, and can hurt her spiritually. The scenario where the ministry spouse is expected to serve in areas where he/she is not gifted spiritually could potentially have the same effect. The spouse could feel trapped, unable to grow spiritually or serve in ways that she/he is gifted. This can not only lead to frustration, or spousal tension, but can also have a negative spiritual impact. Churches need to support each member and encourage them to identify and use their spiritual gifts. Likewise, we need to encourage our ministry spouses to serve God in the ways that he gifted them. We need to allow them to be the people that God created them to be.
In my ministry classes, one of the things I encourage my students to do is to try to watch out for the ministry spouses. Just as our churches have struggled with decline in recent years, recruiting trained ministers and missionaries also feels difficult at times. When we combine this with minister loss via burnout, we are exacerbating an already difficult situation. We have got to do our best to make sure that we are supporting our ministry staff and families. I encourage church leaders and members alike to commit to watch out for the ministry spouses, then advocate for, support, and protect them. If done well, you may never know on this side of heaven how many more years you helped them stay in ministry or the spiritual blessings they received by being able to be serve God authentically. It will make a difference, and is a genuine service the kingdom to protect their ministry and their spouse’s ability to stay in ministry longer.
