“The Secret Lives of Boys” by Malina Saval

The Secret Lives of Boys: Inside the Raw Emotional World of Male Teens

By Malina Saval

2009

272 pages

Nonfiction

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I totally concur with the line, “I didn’t mean to go into youth ministry. I just did.” This isn’t the time or place to get into the discussion about delayed adolescence or emerging adulthood or whatever you want to call the frequent observations that young adults are maturing later. I will offer that my own experience over 30 years of teaching freshmen is that there is truth to these observations. In my moments of frustration, I had to remind myself that I was teaching teenagers. I would also suggest that the guys are consistently more immature than the women. In university life, the men are underengaged and underachieving by almost any matrix that you would use.

In the last few years, I have also taken on the role of a CASA, someone who becomes the court representative for a child who has been placed in the child protective services system. Since I am a volunteer I can say “yes” or “no” to any case that is offered to me. The ones I ask for are teenage boys. I am getting an education.

This brings me to today’s book, The Secret Lives of Boys by Malina Saval. Its subtitle is, in my opinion, unfortunate, as it sounds more salacious and sensational than it needs to. The book is a series of 10 interviews that Saval conducted with teenage boys. Apparently she is an excellent interviewer, because the guys really opened up to her.

The table of contents gives you some idea of the ground that she covered. Among the 10 are, the mini-adult, the average American kid, the homeschooler, the troublemaker, and (are you ready for this one?) the gay, vegan, hearing-impaired Republican. The great variety, first of all, reminds us that there is no typical teenager. But it is remarkable that certain themes keep popping up.

Teenage boys can be both intimidating and exasperating, often at the same time. It is a tribute to Saval’s skill that I came away from the book caring about the boy in every chapter. She lets them speak for themselves and offers remarkably little commentary. I came away believing not that I would like every one of these guys, but they really do have a desire to connect. And they’re having a hard time doing it. Saval puts it this way: “The boys told me straight out that they were not just looking for someone to talk to, but someone to talk with.” Yes indeed.

This book is now 11 years old, having been published in 2009, and seems to me even more urgent than when it was written. I think our boys are in trouble and we are mostly at a loss as to what to do about it. But this book offers an excellent first step. The first thing is to listen. The second thing is to listen. And the third thing is to listen. At the very least, these teenage boys deserve to be heard. And it is not always easy listening.