I Can't Say "Thank You" Yet (2016)
Lord, I’m not ready to say thank you,
to express gratitude for CRPS;
I hope you understand my reluctance,
how difficult to consider pain “pure joy.” *
A friend once told us, “God gets it,
And I wept.
I’ve come to believe you do understand,
the one from intense pain who cried out,
“My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” **
not ‘Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.” ***
Yes, you get it.
You understand even when I confess:
I can’t say thank you for CRPS,
may it be damned a thousand times.
The best I can do today is thank you
for what I learn along the way.
Life-lessons I needed before,
but never had the time to listen.
Well, I’m listening now—
I walk more slowly,
So I’m learning to live deliberately,
how to plan a day, an event, this hour.
Instead of running full-tilt, never a stop,
busy every moment of the day—
tomorrow already filled-up too,
as if “busy” were a virtue,
one of the beatitudes:
“Blessed are those who stay busy…”
This lesson is radical, demanding—
and deceptively simple.
That’s how it goes: the simple concepts—
they are the most difficult to practice:
To stop before the pain begins to take control,
give thought before saying “yes”
even when the invitation allures:
it’s a good thing to do - and
I feel good now,
and I want to.
With your help I am getting better,
learning to live deliberately—
to walk slowly.
Though I speak with a heavy tongue,
through clenched teeth:
Thank you for the gentle pushes
and the powerful shoves,
that move me toward a new life-style:
to the slow, deliberate,
to wise decisions
to better work,
to less pain,
to greater trust.
Yes Lord, for this lesson,
I am thankful.
* See James 1:2
** See Matt 27:46
*** See Psalm 136:1
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