IRL @ Church - Conversation Required
I know what it’s like to be new. Whenever our family moves, one of the first high-priority action items is to meet our new church family. In addition to the spiritual life purpose, our church family serves as our inner circle of friends, our place to find parenting mentors, and to connect with the life-saving “mom network.” I remember going to church for the first time during each move, seeing all the strangers, and looking at the backs of their heads. The main question in my own head was, “Who is going to be my friend here?”
Do your people know how to sincerely welcome guests? They might not. Even if they used to, the pandemic has altered how we interact with others, and they may have forgotten how, or maybe just feel awkward. Ministers can’t be everywhere on a Sunday, and research shows that you have a precious few minutes for someone to decide if they are going to come back to your church.
We’ve all had negative experiences with all kinds of organizations. Retail is one thing, but at church we simply can’t afford to accidentally send a message that says, “We don’t care if you are here or not,” or worse, “We don’t even notice if you are here.” It’s inexcusable. Because Jesus wants to be in relationship with us, we are naturally inspired to be in relationship with others. That requires conversation and warmly welcoming new people.
Help your people know what to do, and they will do it. Don’t assume they are already doing a good job, and don’t get sincere hospitality confused with being nice. They aren’t the same. Every Sunday, people smile and say, “Good morning,” to everyone else. That’s great, but it isn’t anywhere near enough to create community or even enough to effectively welcome people. Sincere conversation is required.
The good news is that showing hospitality is deceptively easy. I find that people sincerely want to welcome others, but insecurities can get in the way. Here are some simple tips from this communication evangelist.
We might wonder if others want us to speak to them. I promise, they do. If there are new people—or people you don’t know well—at your church service or event, they expect a warm welcome, which means they expect to be invited into a conversation. If they didn’t want to be around people who believe in Jesus, they wouldn’t come to church.
We might not know exactly what to say. Well, keep reading because I have a super- simple, works-every-time opener for you. Whether the faces are brand new, or you aren’t quite sure if you are supposed to know their names, here’s my line, accompanied by a big smile. “Hey, my name is Amanda, so great to see you this morning. I don’t think I’ve met you.” Say that a little slower than you normally would so they can catch your name and so that you present a relaxed demeanor. At this point, names are exchanged. I suggest that you REPEAT their names out loud—at least the adults’—so you can remember them. My next line is something close to, “Are you from here in town?” More conversation takes place about that. Then, because there isn’t much time before worship starts, I always ask for a cell number. “I’d love to get together for coffee or lunch. Can I get a cell number?” In eleven years of ministry, no one has ever told me no. The invitation is genuine and people always respond with appreciation. I know some of you are thinking, “Um, no.” I don’t want to invite strangers to coffee. Ok, I get that, and I’m not saying this is the ONLY choice. But if you don’t want to get to know new people, then you can’t expect any new people to want to get to know your church. Hear me: you can’t really get to know people on a Sunday. All the dynamics are working against you. You can meet them, and show sincere hospitality, and that’s a great start. But that’s not where the best relationship magic happens, and it’s simply not enough to exchange names. If you are feeling awkward about having coffee with a stranger, take a minister or another friend with you to help conversation flow. If you both have small children, arrange a little play date. There are many options to make everyone feel more comfortable.
If your church is really big, people might have no idea who is new or who has been there for 20 years. This is a major contributor to explain why people won’t engage in conversation and essentially cements the isolation. I get that, and maybe you can’t know the names of 500 people; but your visitors won’t give you a free pass. They just won’t come back. Even if I don’t know who is new and who isn’t, I do know if I haven’t talked to the person sitting on my pew for five Sundays in a row. People are creatures of habit and tend to sit in the same places, park in the same spots, go to the same classes, etc. If someone sits near me consistently and I never talk to them, something is seriously wrong. Does the passage of time make things a little awkward? Maybe, but better late than never. Here are your lines: “Hey, my name is __________. I know we sit in the same spot every Sunday, but sometimes at a big church it can be hard to know everyone. I just wanted to say hi.”
We might think we are already supposed to know someone’s name and we don’t. If you have already met and just forgotten their name, say, “Hey, I know we met, but it’s been a while. My name is __________, just in case you forgot.” Hopefully, they will have mercy and tell you their name again, but if they don’t, seize the moment and just ask, “Will you please remind me of your name?” Most of the time, people are appreciative that you shared your name again and totally understand if you have forgotten theirs.
Once you have names, write them down or put the notes in your phone. I always made it a habit to have a pen and some sticky notes with me, which made it easy to jot down a name or a number. Then at my first opportunity (probably during the first song) I would take a picture of the note for safekeeping. I didn’t really like to take notes on my phone in front of people; writing down a name was much more casual and generally faster since I didn’t have to lose eye contact or drill down into the screens. The point is to capture their name as soon as possible so you can really learn it. Having to get a refresher once on someone’s name is acceptable. After that, it legitimately gets awkward. Create a system to capture the information.
What if you are the new person and no one is doing any of the above? Well, compassion is always a good thing, and you can be assured that people have precious little communication training and simply are not sure what to say or do. It’s not exactly ideal or fair, but if good things are going on at church, I’d urge you to give people a chance and take the initiative. The rules I mentioned are all the same—just start meeting people using the tips above.
While there are some great resources out there about environments and programs and strategies, my advice is just to grab the few lines above and start talking and look for ways to grow the relationship. It’s a great place to start, and it requires nothing but who you already are. As a new person in a new town myself these days, I’m cheering you on.
