“I didn’t know what to say.” I hear this all the time and I totally get it. We don’t want to say the wrong thing, so we don’t say anything at all. It makes sense. 

When people are even slightly uncomfortable, they can freeze; it’s simply a defense mechanism. The cliché “like a deer caught in the headlights” is alive and well for a reason; being still and quiet feels safer. The sheer volume of apologies I personally have voiced concerning my own regretful comments is impressive. In my defense, as a communication trainer, I’m in front of people for hours at a time, so the probability goes up for verbal mistakes. It’s an awful feeling to know my words were too sharp or too insensitive—and that I’ve inflicted wounds, no matter how slight. When I’m silent, I’m protecting myself from the pain and embarrassment of making a mistake, and I’m also trying to protect another person from getting hurt.

Haven’t we all been the sender or the receiver in this scenario? One friend of mine has post-traumatic shock because she asked a non-pregnant person when her baby was due. OUCH! We jump at the chance to tell the stories that begin with, “You aren’t going to believe what they said to me.” Words are powerful and those awkward situations leave bruises. 

Isn’t it better to just keep quiet? 

No. It’s not.

When we don’t know what to say, it’s often a red flag that a deeper conversation needs to take place. If you decide that keeping quiet is the better choice, I totally trust you. If the stakes are low and it’s a simple social situation, being quiet may very well be the best decision. However, keeping quiet because you don’t know what to say isn’t a decision, it’s a defense, and all too often it contributes to the behavior we already don’t know how to address.

Through the years of coaching people with presentations, conflicts, interviews, and media training, I’ve developed a great tool called the pocket phrase. Pocket phrases are words you keep in your pocket. By creating pocket phrases, the words are handy, in our pocket, ready to go. The idea is to create habits of diplomacy with words. Habits are always going to win; people do not rise to the occasion, they fall back on habits. When we feel uncomfortable, nervous, or stressed, our communication is nervous and stressed, too. If we have a few pocket phrases handy, we can transition that awkward moment into a conversation without escalating it into a conflict. Now, that would feel great, right?

So below I offer you a few pocket phrases and the scenarios in which I use them. Take this concept and think about your awkward moments, times when you don’t know what to say but would like to speak up. You are welcome to the ones below, but I’m confident you can come up with your own once you grasp the structure.

While this isn’t an exhaustive list, it will get you started towards creating a useful skill. The intent of these little pocket phrases is simply to equip you with a diplomatic way to open the lines of communication and to acknowledge that everyone has a point of view worth hearing. The next step is to simply listen and see where the conversation goes. The beauty of the pocket-phrase method is its invisibility. No one is going to say, “Great pocket phrase!” They will just respond because you have bridged a potentially awkward moment, facilitated a deeper conversation, and probably outsmarted a conflict. When this happens, congratulations, winner winner chicken dinner! 

And if you do end up saying something you regret, call me because I totally get that.