Minister and Elder Relationships

Many of you reading this will not be surprised to read that leadership culture and the dynamics between ministry staff and elders play a large role in the health of a congregation. While acknowledging that various churches have differing polities, I think that most of those reading this understand what I mean when I refer to the “minister and elders” leadership structure. 

This can be a tricky dynamic to say the least. After talking with a professor and mentor about a ministry conference, I agreed to co-speak on this topic and many of the different things it entails. I’ll admit that I was reluctant and intimidated to share my experience with others for so many reasons. Perhaps I was only willing to step into this world because an elder at a different congregation whom I had never worked with agreed to speak on this topic along with a minister friend who was my spiritual director. 

We met several times over Zoom to talk just as much about what to speak on as to what not to speak on. While we wanted to speak truth into this topic, we certainly didn’t want to turn this into a bashing session. We agreed that sometimes elders are simply difficult—just like how sometimes ministers are difficult (feel free to substitute “elders” or “ministers” with the word “people”). 

Perhaps the best part of the experience was the set of conversations I was able to have as we were able to share truth and experiences that others might not fully understand. The other really neat part about this session we led together involved the private conversations that came after the session was over. What made it so special was that it was clear that those who were struggling in their relationships with their elders had no desire to publicly bash their leaders so much as to gain understanding for why the struggle was there in the first place. This is great progress for many! I know that I have been in dark places concerning the leaders I was working with, and I struggled to keep my mouth shut with others.

My knowledge base includes my ministry background, along with the conversations I had with my co-speakers and with other ministers after that session, other conversations with elders of other churches (including churches I worked for in the past), and discussions with friends of mine who serve as elders at their church and with my own father who is currently an elder at the congregation I grew up in. I want to share some encouragement and guidance for how I am trying to maintain and develop healthy relationships with my current shepherds. I am by no means the expert on this dynamic, but I will share what little I have learned in over a decade of congregational ministry, serving in various roles for those churches. 

1. For ministers: elders are first and foremost your shepherds.
   There is the boss/employer aspect of this relationship but, ideally, they are there to care for your soul. If at all possible, give them that opportunity. Don’t let previous hurt keep you from a special bond. 

2. For elders: ministers are first and foremost your sheep.
   See #1 above. If you treat your ministry staff like employees, then eventually they will act like employees and jump the fence the moment they see greener grass (whether it’s actually greener or not). Also, keep in mind that you are also someone who needs soul care, and one or more of your ministers might be terrific candidates to provide this for you. 

3. Communicate mutual goals and expectations as much as possible.
   Many of the struggles that I have had personally and have also heard about from other ministers will begin with miscommunication. Something wasn’t clearly communicated from one or both sides, and then a snowball effect comes into play. If some clear communication doesn’t happen by a certain point, then the snowball can sometimes become too big to stop, unfortunately. 

4. Questions are generally good. Accusations are generally bad.
   Questions lead to better understandings of struggling relationships. Accusations will only do the opposite. Here are some I have shared with ministers to ask themselves when struggling with conflict: How often do I meet with this elder one on one? When I do meet with this elder, how often are those conversations not work related? How often do I pray for this elder I’m struggling to work with? Do I know about some of the more difficult life experiences that this particular elder has gone through?

5. Make amends as often as possible.
   This is a two-way street. This was also by far my biggest personal mistake with elderships I struggled with in the past. I actually think that this might have been what Jesus was actually talking about in Matthew 18:19-20.

6. Relationships are ALWAYS more important than performance.
   This was always the way of Jesus, and it is perhaps one of the best ways to show unity and love within your congregation.

7. Laugh together.
   The business and administrative sides of church meetings can be exhausting and frustrating amongst other things. You are going to be doing life together, so make it a point to enjoy it.