I Can't Say "Thank You" Yet (2016)

Lord, I’m not ready to say thank you,
        to express gratitude for CRPS;
I hope you understand my reluctance,
        how difficult to consider pain “pure joy.” *

A friend once told us, “God gets it,
        God understands.”
        And I wept.

I’ve come to believe you do understand,
        the one from intense pain who cried out,
“My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” ** 
        not ‘Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.” ***

Yes, you get it.
        You understand even when I confess:
I can’t say thank you for CRPS,
        may it be damned a thousand times.

The best I can do today is thank you
        for what I learn along the way.
Life-lessons I needed before,
        but never had the time to listen.
Well, I’m listening now—
        I walk more slowly,
        pay attention,
        hear better.

So I’m learning to live deliberately,
        how to plan a day, an event, this hour.
Instead of running full-tilt, never a stop,
        busy every moment of the day—
tomorrow already filled-up too,
        as if “busy” were a virtue,
one of the beatitudes:
        “Blessed are those who stay busy…”

This lesson is radical, demanding—
        and deceptively simple.
That’s how it goes: the simple concepts—
        they are the most difficult to practice:
To stop before the pain begins to take control,
        give thought before saying “yes”
        even when the invitation allures:
        it’s a good thing to do - and
        I feel good now,
        and I want to.
       
With your help I am getting better,
        learning to live deliberately—
        to walk slowly.
Though I speak with a heavy tongue,
        through clenched teeth:

Thank you for the gentle pushes
        and the powerful shoves,
that move me toward a new life-style:
        to the slow, deliberate,
        to wise decisions
        to better work,
        to less pain,
        to greater trust.

Yes Lord, for this lesson,
        I am thankful.
—

* See James 1:2

** See Matt 27:46

*** See Psalm 136:1

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