Reflecting On “Heart-Shaped Pickles”
Disclaimer: This post addresses grief and loss in children and attempts to offer some perspectives and resources for ministry. I understand that the topic can feel especially acute to some and want to be sensitive to any who are not ready to read it.
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Heart-Shaped Pickles is a little booklet based on the true experience of a five-year-old girl named Jenny who lost both of her grandfathers within a short span of time. Jenny had a special relationship with them and had special games that she would play with each of them. Now her world felt different. She especially noticed that now her mom and dad acted very sad and different too. They just didn’t do the things they normally did. One day as they sat at the table, she whispered that she missed her grandpas. Her mom tried to reassure her, but her dad, who was tearful, tried to change the subject by handing her a jar of pickles. His idea was to challenge her to a pickle-eating contest. As Jenny grabbed pickles with her fork, she began to giggle excitedly. Proudly displayed on her plate and fork were little heart-shaped pickles. “I just knew it!” she exclaimed. Struggling to contain her excitement, she explained that after her grandpas had died, she had been seeing hearts everywhere. She just knew that this meant her grandpas still loved her! Soon afterward, Jenny would point out to her parents all the heart shapes she was seeing in clouds, puddles, and other things. Her parents, teary-eyed, began to join her. A little bit of joy came back into their lives as her mom challenged them to a new idea, “Let’s have a contest to see who can find the most heart-shaped pickles!”
This is my retelling of a great little booklet that is useful as a discussion starter or as a way to think about grief in children. My motivation for writing this post comes from co-parenting my own children through their loss and from observing other families wrestle (or not) with helping their children during times of grief. As church leaders, parents, and invested adults, I know we all see this need for supporting children in our communities. I want to share a little perspective and some resources that I pray you find helpful. I won’t comment on each one but will simply invite you to reflect on whether or not you have observed this in your own ministry experience.
Children process loss differently than adults.
Death is an abstract concept and understood differently at younger developmental stages (like a young girl who expressed her confusion aloud at the funeral when she saw her loved one, whom she was told was in heaven, lying in the casket).
Children may not fully understand what is going on, but they still grieve, and they still feel the loss.
Children learn how to handle their grief by watching and listening to the ways adults deal (or don’t deal) with their own feelings.
Children do not regulate feelings in the same way as adults. Adults may show sadness for long periods, but kids may act upset one moment and play the next. They need those breaks.
Children can become confused when adults try to protect their feelings by not using correct and clear language.
Children ask pointed questions … a lot. They need developmentally appropriate answers.
I assume that these insights aren’t new to us as leaders, but hopefully they will spur some thoughts as we revisit the topic. I want to tell you about some helpful resources for your toolkit. These ideas come from a session led by Sarah Leavitt and Kelly Cox, two child life specialists, at our regional hospice conference.
The first category includes activities a child can do with a loved one before they pass. These art projects then become special keepsakes for the child.
Ink prints (hand, foot, fingers)
Recordings and videos
Photoshoots and scrapbooking
Artwork
Letters written by the loved one to the child for the future
Memory bear (a stuffed bear made from the loved one’s shirt or other clothing)
The second category includes guided activities that engage the senses, which can help give children ways to process their grief. These activities are helpful both before and after the passing of a loved one.
Picture frames
Making a memory box (shadow box)
Grief workbooks
Expressing emotions through coloring/painting
Making paper-plate faces with the emotion they are feeling
Picking a selection of songs for their loved one to listen to
This is a great opportunity to tap the creative types in your community as you explore the various ways we can minister in this area. Children have a wonderful gift of seeing the footprints and messages that God offers us, like specially shaped clouds and pickles. My prayer is that you find moments of joy and hope as you walk with the children in your life.
