Identity Quake
Defensiveness is a frustrating issue for this communication evangelist. I’m constantly trying to edit out this destructive habit. I know it’s a credibility killer. I know defensiveness will only escalate the conflict. I know I need to slow down and listen. Sigh—my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.
The other day, I shared my work schedule with my husband. He looked at my training dates, smiled, and said, “Several of these are virtual. That’s great.” I snapped and said, “Virtual trainings are twice as hard!” He just looked at me like I had three heads, and I knew what he was thinking, and so do you. I knew the second those words came out of my mouth that I had just lost another unnecessary battle with defensiveness. Pitifully, I tried to recover, “I’m not being defensive,” I said. Then we both laughed at my ridiculousness. (So humiliating…)
Why do we come up swinging like this sometimes in the blink of an eye? Why did I perceive my husband’s comment as an accusation instead of an innocent statement? Well, one reason is instinct. If I think someone is about to punch me in the face, I throw up my arms and turn my body to avoid the blow. It’s simple self-defense. If someone took a brain scan during the little interaction that I described with my husband, the brain scan would look very similar compared to when I feared being punched. In the split second that our brains detect potential attack, they don’t differentiate between emotional or physical attack. Potential is a key word here. The brain doesn’t wait to see if I’m actually being attacked, it kicks into defensive mode to prevent pain. This reaction has several names that are probably familiar: amygdala hijack, flight or fight, lizard brain… and just plain defensiveness.
What might not be familiar to you is the internal conversation taking place about our own identity. We go through our day thinking we are good people, hard workers, and worthy of love. However, during the smallest of conflicts, real or imagined, those assumptions are suddenly put on trial, and we don’t like the identity quake. Internally, we feel one or more of these things is under intense suspicion and we can be severely thrown off balance. The assumptions become unspoken and unrecognized questions in our minds:
Am I competent? She’s saying I’m incompetent!
Am I a good person? He thinks I’m a terrible person!
Am I lovable? He’s so mad at me; he must not love me anymore.
I can promise you that when you feel the most defensive, one of these sub-conscious questions is the culprit. It can feel as small as a pin prick or as big as a gut-punch. You can read more about the layers of conflict in one of my most trusted resources, Difficult Conversations by Patton, Douglas, Stone, and Heen.
In addition to the three questions above, believers have a fourth question, which is, “Am I pleasing to God?” If you are a female believer, then the unspoken fifth question is often, “Does God think I’m being the right kind of female?” These are difficult questions for everyone. For ministers, questions four and five can be brutal.
For this article, I’ve limited the content to individual defensiveness. After all, self-control is a fruit of the spirit for a very good reason. However, we must acknowledge that we are a result of our experiences and we’ve all suffered our share of criticism. In ministry, there are thousands of other variables and layers to every situation. By variables, I mean church members who are probably unskilled at handling conflict and are quite gifted and being defensive too. Ministers and elders especially may be bruised from a high volume of criticism by the very nature of the job. There is certainly no shortage of ministers who have been fired without warning, blamed for conflicts, or expected to fix 50 years of bad leadership dynamics.
To me, just knowing about these internal questions helps me identify what’s going on much faster, allowing me to recover much faster. Knowing I’m having a tiny, or sometimes huge, identity quake makes me check my defensiveness, respond appropriately, and begin to work towards a solution if needed.
Criticism is never fun, of course; the following checklist helps me decide what is a valid concern and how my defensiveness may be playing into the situation.
Am I really being criticized, or am I just being hyper-defensive?
What events in my past might be causing me to overreact to this situation?
How can I get helpful information by asking questions and facilitating open communication? Is there anything I can learn from the criticism? What parts are true and what parts are false?
When I am being criticized, it helps to understand the source. Is this one voice, or many voices? Do we have a history? What other variables are in play?
What does my mentor, or spiritual director, say about the situation?
Remember, Jesus was not a doormat so you shouldn’t be either. Work toward the desired outcome with assertiveness and respect for yourself and others.
As always, we look to Jesus for our model. Was there ever a minister more criticized? Read In the Red for a look at Jesus’ laser focus during conversation. My prayer for all of us is that we are so secure in Christ’s love and acceptance, that it changes what we think about others, changes the very words we choose during the most difficult of times, with the most difficult people, and when we feel the most defensive.
