Big Issues and Conversations

In our Bible class yesterday, the discussion included reflection on how to handle situations in which we disagree with behaviors and practices that don’t align with Christian values. It’s quite the dilemma, and I appreciate the struggle. We want to show Jesus to others in an authentic and effective way, but we haven’t seen that modeled very well, have we?

Someone in the class brought up Jesus throwing out the merchants in the temple, as well as Jesus’ righteous anger. Then he said, “But I’m not Jesus.” I love that. It’s true, right? I’m not the son of God or 33% of the Trinity. I wasn’t there in the beginning, or present with our Creator. I can’t claim that the temple is my house, nor can I claim the authority to forgive sin. Jesus had the authority to throw people out; I don’t. 

So, where does that leave us? 

We know that hitting people over the head with the Bible and proclaiming the wrongness of their actions doesn’t work. We’ve often been embarrassed that our well-intentioned but judgmental practices of the past left deep wounds and were certainly not effective evangelistic tools. At the same time, it feels two-faced to keep quiet.

Communication wasn’t the point of the discussion, but the lack of communicative skill was the unacknowledged bully in the room. We don’t know what to say or how to say it. We are clear on what we believe, but unclear on how to handle the conflict. 

I strongly urge you to talk to anyone who started following Jesus later in life. Listen to their story and how influential people led them to Christ. You will hear about authentic relationships with those who were great listeners. Learn from those who have navigated these situations successfully. 

Along with learning at the feet of the wise ones, I offer a few guidelines to help you navigate the conversations.

1. Pick one person.
   It can be overwhelming to think about so many who don’t know Jesus. Think about who is on your heart right now. Who is in front of you? Start there; it’s enough. One is better than none.

2. How do you think about this person? 
   Is this individual someone you want to get to know because you value their friendship, or do you view them as a project, a Jesus-target of sorts? Obviously, the first is going to lead you into a different kind of conversation, one that will lay a sincere foundation for deeper conversations. In Jon Anderson’s book, The Acceptance: What Brings and Keeps Lifelong Love, the author talks about the shallow end of the pool, the value of just enjoying each other’s company, and having fun. While Anderson uses this metaphor for marriages, the principle holds true for friends as well. As friends, we build a foundation for deeper discussions because we’ve simply spent time talking about far less important topics. Most likely, we didn’t dive into the deep end first, or even if we did, the bulk of our time is spent in the shallow end of the conversational pool. That’s not only ok, it’s important, good, and healthy. 

3. Swap stories
   In the shallow end of the pool, friends swap stories effortlessly. It’s an easy give-and-take of information and experiences that allows you to get to know each other. Just because this person isn’t a believer doesn’t mean you can skip this step. You can’t, so don’t try it. If you do, you will begin to lose your curiosity about who they are, hence twisting your purpose, and sending your conversation down a different path. It won’t matter how perfectly you word something if your relationship isn’t ready to be in the deep end of the pool. 

4. Appreciative Inquiry
   The best listeners ask great questions because they sincerely want to learn more about others. In addition to asking good questions, I suggest that you verbally appreciate the individual. When they share a story, notice and comment on something you admire. “I love how you fight for the underdog. Who taught you that?” After you hear their answer, that’s a great time to share what you learned from your mom or grandmother about Jesus. That’s a natural progression with a little strategy.

5. Use the word “grateful.”
   As you are sharing your stories, use the word “grateful.” A big life-changing moment for me was that I had my third and decidedly unexpected child at age 42. It’s a story that I’m required to share often. By now, I can share the story with laughter, but I wasn’t laughing at the time. When I’m telling that story, I usually share that my third child came into the world with a lesson that the Lord provides. Nothing added up very well for me during that time, but my child is healthy and strong. I’m grateful. I can also share how my church family supported me, fed me, and gifted me with more diapers than I can count. The word “grateful” is sincere and directly points to how the Lord provides, or how you are in relationship with Jesus. You have these stories, too; just tweak how you tell them. Then, the natural laws of conversation will likely take you to a deeper place. 

6. You aren’t a mind-reader.
   What assumptions are you making? Are you assuming someone isn’t open to a spiritual conversation? Are you assuming they will reject you or dislike you because you want to talk about Jesus? Remember, assumptions are always fueled by our insecurities. If you’ve developed a friendship because you sincerely like them, the opportunities will present themselves. The time might come later rather than sooner, but it will happen. I’m a big believer that God provides windows of opportunity, especially if I’ve been praying for this relationship, for this person, and for my own communication skills. 

7. Ask how you can pray for them. 
   If you are in a relationship with someone, you are likely already texting. Use text as a tool to unobtrusively ask how you can pray for them. Even if someone isn’t a praying person, this is a wonderful way to show them you care, you are listening, and you want to be supportive. Even if they say, “No,” or don’t answer at all, the invitation will be appreciated. 

8. Big Issues
   Ok, so all this slow build is great, but eventually, the big issues are going to come up, or something controversial might pop up quickly with someone you don’t know very well. Either way, take a big pause. Then, decide what the purpose is for addressing the topic. Do you want Jesus and a Christ-like life to be understood better? Or do you feel like you have to stand up and defend Christianity? The second choice is a trap; don’t fall for it. God doesn’t need you to defend, he needs you to demonstrate Jesus with skill and accuracy. Becoming a defender in this moment will only make you far less persuasive and, quite frankly, less likable. 

   I suggest that you ask about their experience and perspective first. No matter how you are put on the spot in the moment, you can just pause and ask them to go first. Say something like, “I’d really like to hear your perspective and experience first. Would you be willing to share that?” Then be quiet and listen without sharing your opinion. They aren’t asking for your opinion on their decisions anyway. Just listen to understand.

   When it’s your turn, lead with Jesus. If you have swapped stories, they know you are a believer. If this is a pop-up conversation, at least you have sincerely listened to their perspective. Listening is the most persuasive thing you can do, and people do precious little of it. Listening first almost guarantees they will give you a chance to explain. Defending guarantees they will double down on their viewpoint and be far less willing to listen.

   Choose your words carefully and let Jesus be the headline, not the list of things that Christians should or shouldn’t do. And let’s get real, Christians don’t agree on that list either, so the logic won’t work on that anyway. 

   If you are talking about people living together instead of getting married, try something along these lines when it’s your turn: “Jesus teaches me that marriage is a beautiful and unique relationship. My experience is that when I follow his teachings, my relationship is much stronger.” Use your own language, of course, but you get the gist. Lead with your experience with Jesus. Lead with the lessons you have learned the hard way, and share Jesus’ forgiveness and patience. There is nothing more persuasive than authenticity. It will feel vulnerable, but so what? Anything you really want is probably on the other side of vulnerability. 

   I might make a citizen’s arrest if you are trying to have this conversation online. There is so little chance that it will go well, and a very high probability that more harm than good will occur. 

If you’ve stuck with me this long, thank you. This communication evangelist is praying for all of us that we can reach people with the authenticity of who Jesus really is in a way that effectively communicates the relationship that transforms our lives.