You Can’t Teach Confidence, Right?

“You can’t teach confidence,” someone said, and before I had the discipline to reframe my statement to soften my bluntness or volume, I said, “Yes, you absolutely can teach confidence.” Clearly, subtlety is not my spiritual gift.

I would assert that we must teach confidence, but what does that look like and why does it even matter? In a nutshell, it looks like work – manageable work, but still work. It matters because Jesus needs us to be strong leaders no matter your title, and your credibility largely relies on how confident (not to be confused with arrogant) others perceive you to be.

Confidence isn’t something you either have or you don’t. Confidence is something you earn through learning, practicing, and executing a skill over time. This principle is why I can be ultra-confident as I’m speaking or teaching communication skills, but terrified at the thought of singing or playing basketball in front of the same people. I’m starting to perspire just thinking about doing either.

How do you know if someone is confident or not anyway? It’s probably the way they react, verbally and nonverbally, in a difficult conversation or awkward situation. Does that lack of skill in a difficult conversation mean that someone will lack confidence forever? Nope, that’s a fallacy. As believers, we have to trust that God is working through us despite/beyond our own abilities. But like any other skill, or dare I say spiritual discipline, it takes time and practice.

For many women in ministry, it’s likely that the path into ministry was an indirect one. Ministry might represent a second, third, fourth, or even fifth career change. All of those previous life experiences taught skills that created your ability to say yes to this ministry position. And yet, despite your success and confidence as a leader in the secular world, that confidence doesn’t always arrive or remain intact. All of the sudden, we have a few hundred bosses with very strong opinions about our jobs and about what it means to be a godly woman. Simply being female is a stressor outside any other variables since many of us are the first female ministers for our church families and the path to gender inclusion can be a brutal one. While we are walking the tightrope as ministers, we are hyper aware of how our successes and failures will affect the generations to come.

Again, I will ask, how do you know whether someone is confident? You can Google it if you want; I’m sure there are thousands of answers. But for now, I’d like to suggest that being confident is your perceived ability to handle being thrown off balance. For male and female ministers, when you are thrown off balance by a comment, a criticism, a conflict, a failure, a judgement, or a surprise topic at an elders’ meeting, do you have a verbal recovery plan? Or are you a ball in a pinball machine, buzzing and beeping while being thrown around a world of insecurity? In other words, do you have responses ready to go that allow your brain to acknowledge exactly what is happening? “Hey, I was not expecting this negative thing right now and I really want to punch something.” If you do, this allows your brain and body to sync up and maintain your balance.

First of all, understand your gut reaction of defensiveness is not going to work for you. Check out my “Lessons from the Shark Tank” for a refresher course including important nonverbals and the news anchor face. If you can recognize exactly what is happening, you can keep your nonverbals in check and work on connecting with the person in front of you while you get some important information. This is keeping your balance, and it’s one of the most critical credibility areas for a strong leader.

Second, prepare some things to say. I call these verbal responses pocket phrases because you can keep the words close by for whenever you need them. You know your life and only you know your soft underbelly spots. While dealing with a serious conflict takes more than pocket phrases, preparing some responses can help you maintain your balance, build credibility, and grow as a confident leader. I completely trust you to create your own pocket phrases, but if you’d like some ideas, here are a few of my favorites:

• “That sounds intense.”

  This one allows me to acknowledge the intensity of the present emotion without agreeing with it.

• “So what are you thinking about that?”

  While this works in a variety of situations, I generally use this one when I view the idea at hand as really bad. It saves me from saying, “I hate this idea,” or, “Why would you do that?” which are both pretty insulting. This is an invitation to share more, and I always get information that makes sense even if I don’t agree with the idea.

• I ask myself, “Do I really need to say anything?”

  If not, I have a special smile for this situation.

• Unfortunately, ministers often hear of criticism second or third hand. When faced with criticism, ask yourself or someone you trust “Is this an adjustment I need to make, or is it a fail?”

  Either might be true, and neither is a deal breaker. But this question will help keep the reaction in proportion and dial back the self-doubt. :) I only rarely advocate for self-torture.

• “Let’s talk tomorrow so I can get some more details.”

  People love to come to us on a Sunday right before church starts to bring up something serious. There is no chance for a productive conversation, so make a date for later, then try to clear your mind so you can be present for the job at hand.

Building these pocket phrases into your everyday conversations creates a healthy habit of regaining your balance instead of succumbing to fear, defensiveness, and insecurity when something negative threatens to throw you off balance. By definition, a habit is your default and that’s exactly what you want – a reasonably calm, self-assured response accompanied by the willingness to listen. In this way, you have developed confident communication skills, hence more confidence overall in these difficult situations. Once again I’ll say, “You absolutely can teach confidence.”