Rise to the Occasion or Fall Back on our Habits?

The ancient poet Archilochus said more than 2,500 years ago, “We do not rise to the level of our expectations. We fall to the level of our training.” 

Motivational speaker Eric Thomas said it a little differently: “Everybody wants to be a beast until it's time to do what real beasts do.”

Your communication evangelist, Amanda Box, says, “Successful communicators are simply people with successful communication habits.” 

In Richard Foster’s classic book Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth, he reminds readers that disciplines bring freedom.

All four of these quotes center around the idea that we become what we consistently do.

There’s a reason you can find a million similar quotes from a quick Google search: success in any form is based upon solid habits. There is nothing flashy or magical about a habit, a practice, a custom, a pattern, a routine, a style, a norm, a tradition, a tendency, a propensity or whatever terminology you prefer. The truth remains: if you want to be successful at anything, including communication, you must develop successful habits.

Communication is a learned physical skill, just like any sport or field of expertise. Below are my top eight habits for success. Each of these can be practiced in your daily conversation, allowing you to build in good communication habits and edit out the unhelpful ones. 

Edit out defensive responses from your conversation. Defensiveness is a credibility and relationship killer. I’ll admit, I struggle with this one, which makes it even more important for me to work on it consistently before I’m in an intense conversation. Our insecurities and fears really stoke the fire on this one. Start noticing your defensive responses and you may be surprised at the high quantity. I’ve learned to say, “Thank you for bringing that up,” any time someone corrects me, disagrees with me, or seems to be presenting an opposing idea. I want to create a demeanor in which people are open and honest with me. Apparently, it’s beginning to work; my daughter just told me that I sang Silent Night off key, even though she thought it was great that I was trying so hard.  (All sorts of emojis seem appropriate here…)

1. Build in your “news-anchor face” as a default expression. Since nonverbal communication is always going to trump actual words, your facial expressions are critical. A neutral face is always perceived as negative, angry, or disapproving. When you think about being pleasantly interested, your face will reflect those thoughts and you will be perceived as a good listener and a calming presence. This is especially important when others are talking. It takes almost nothing for people to censor themselves due to their own fears and insecurities, so your “habitual face” needs to be pleasant and interested. Take a look at your face on your next Zoom meeting for a quick reality check and adjust accordingly. The news-anchor-face habit also serves to de-escalate a difficult conversation, which is a nice bonus! 

2. Build in the habit of positive framing. The actual decision is up to you, but you can always positively frame a “no” to be more diplomatic and improve your credibility. 

3. Build in the habit of assuming good intentions. Believe it or not, 85% of conflict is caused by style differences. Whereas one person prefers to push through a challenge head-on, with decisiveness and speed, another prefers to slow down, gather information, and create a careful plan. This difference creates a tension often resulting in conflict—not about the solution but from the methodology. People operate out of their strengths and past successes, so you can outsmart a great deal of conflict by simply understanding that a person’s intent and approach usually come from a good place. This habit allows the methodology difference to provide a healthier and more substantive conversation, producing a better solution.

4. Edit out a high word count. The higher your word count, the lower your credibility is. The loose guide for a response is three to five sentences per answer. You may decide more information is wanted or needed, and I trust you. However, if someone asks you for the time and you tell them how to build the clock, this is a credibility problem. By creating a habit of lowering your word count, it allows more turn-taking during meetings and forces you to be clear and concise, which are both credibility builders.

5. Speak a little slower and a little louder, especially at the beginning of a conversation. If this is your habit, then when you are suddenly put on the spot or thrown off-balance in any way, your pattern is already set to sound calm and confident. This calm demeanor will help you think and speak more clearly. (The news-anchor face helps with this, too.)

6. Edit out the pesky “ands” and “ums.” If you eliminate them from your conversation, you won’t use them in meetings, in answering a tough question, or in making a presentation. To edit out these little pests, understand that if you have the conversational floor, your brain doesn’t like silence and kind of freaks out a little. Because you can think and listen so much faster than you can speak, the silence feels much, much longer in your head than it really is. In your daily conversation, when you notice “ands” and “ums,” just close your mouth, pause, and resume when ready. Most hedgers and fillers begin with vowel sounds, so if your mouth is closed, you won’t be able to pronounce them. Done and done!

7. Edit out the idea that you are already supposed to be a perfect communicator. Amongst Moses’s other protests at the burning bush, one of his chief concerns was his ability to speak, which brings up my final suggestion for a habit: pray. In Exodus 4, God assured Moses that not only would he send Aaron to be the mouthpiece, he would also help Moses speak and would teach him what to say. God wants you to be a strong leader and, just like Moses, will equip you. 

8. While these habits are decidedly on the mechanical side of communication, they are critical for church leaders because these mechanics directly affect your credibility and connection. You might find a strong communicator who isn’t in a leadership position, but you won’t find an effective, credible leader who isn’t a strong communicator. The good news is that the above habits are simple and relatively fast to develop, with the exception of editing out the defensiveness. Unfortunately, that takes a bit longer—at least for me. You could make a case for adding other essentials to the list, and I’m sure I would agree. My prayer is that these habits help you connect with your people and lead with strength and credibility. Hebrews 13:20-21 is a warm hand of comfort as we are all trying to be godly leaders:

20 Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, 21 equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.