Sacred Complaining

I grew up in a fairly conservative home and an even more conservative church. Nowadays when we hear that narrative, we often look down upon it. I don’t necessarily look down on it, but I do notice how some things were different for me. One of the main things that jumps out to me about how I viewed God back then was as this all-powerful robot. This “A.I. Deity” saw all things in black or white. Everything was right or wrong, hellish or heavenly, good or bad. If we did the right things in the right way, then we were heaven-bound, but we were hell-bound if we didn’t. 

I also came to believe that one of our top purposes in the world was to please God. While I still believe this, I have come to believe a slightly different version of it. You see, I thought that, when we talked to God, we were only allowed to give thanks, to worship Him, and to ask for His blessings in various capacities. I still believe that can be true; however, one thing that I never said or did when it came to God—because I thought it was off-limits—was to complain.

My parents never enjoyed hearing me complain. As a parent now myself, I can say that hearing my kids complain is not at all on the top of my list of things that bring me joy. I’d rather share a meal, play a game, or watch a movie with my kids.

As time has gone on, though, I have begun to see complaining differently. While I’m by no means encouraging a life of constant grumbling, and nobody likes a chronic complainer, I do think that complaining is something we all do to one degree or another. Complaining is not us expressing our disappointment that life isn’t fair so much as it is us explaining our lack of understanding about what life is compared to how we thought that life would be. I think that, at various times, we all have unrealistic expectations of others, ourselves, and even life in general. 

There are going to be times when we not only want to complain but might feel the need to do so. I just always thought that complaining to God wasn’t allowed. We could only be thankful for what God has given us. I believed that I should never let God think that I was ungrateful, lest God smite me. Scripture, however, tells us a very different story. 

Complaining is littered throughout scripture, especially the act of complaining to God. This is seen more in the psalms than perhaps anything else. 

“O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
With sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?”
(Psalm 13:1-2 NLT)

It’s also in the prophets:

“How long O Lord must I call for help?
But you do not listen!
‘Violence is everywhere’ I cry
But you do not come to save.”
(Habakkuk 1:2)

Even Jesus complained to God while on the cross!

“My God my God, why have you abandoned me?”
(Matthew 27:46)

I want to point out that if you continue reading these passages, you’ll notice that a deep trust lies within the complainer. It is a complaining that the writer expresses in an inability to understand the work and movement of God in that particular space—but followed by an expression of trust that God is indeed in control and will make salvation out of condemnation and beauty from ashes. 

“But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.”
(Psalm 13:5-6)

“Yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.”
(Habakkuk 3:18-19)

And since you’re reading this, I don’t think I need to share what happened after Jesus’s cry from the cross, except that the plan of salvation that David and Habakkuk wrote of centuries before came to full fruition.

Complaining to God about what is going on is a normal part—dare I say even a sacred part?—but it is essential after expressing these grumblings that we also express our trust in Him for His ways and thoughts that are higher than ours.

Finally, it is also important to note that complaining is something we generally only do to people we would consider a “safe space.” I have spoken to more than one therapist who says that so much of the listening they do is oftentimes because they realize that many people just need a safe outlet to vent about whatever is going on in their lives, and they don’t feel like they have that anywhere else. The therapists sometimes don’t ask further questions or look for any kind of solutions because they know that the main thing the person needs in that space is simply someone to sit and listen. 

I have even noticed this in my youngest daughter. She is eight years old and loves to complain. Most of the time, she will come to me complaining about the injustices of the world (or really just that some kid at school wasn’t as polite to her as she thought that he/she should be. The nerve!!!). And when she does this, I usually listen, give her a hug, and tell her I’m sorry she feels that way and that I love her, even though this is hard for me. This strategy should not work as much as it does, but some people just need to complain and feel heard. My daughter then goes about her day as if nothing had happened.

When I feel a need to complain, I don’t go to just anyone. I go to my wife, or I go to my parents or my close friends. I go to those I trust. How much more sacred is it then when we do this with God? Perhaps one of the reasons that scripture described King David as a “man after God’s own heart” was because of this type of relationship that they had. David was willing to grumble to God while maintaining his love and trust in Him. The apostles showed their lack of understanding in Jesus’s ministry on a fairly regular basis in the gospels, and those were Jesus’s closest friends! Perhaps complaining to God at times isn’t just allowed, it can even be sacred. Perhaps this is a very important aspect of our soul’s formation and our intimate relationship with our Creator. 

I’ll end this post with my favorite prayer of all time which summarizes much of our lack of understanding in the will of God and our failure to always do what He wants. The prayer ends with the acknowledgment that even if we have no idea what is going on in our lives, we will never have to figure it out on our own. God hears our complaints. He hears our cries. He holds us close. He reminds us that we are always loved and He always knows best. This is called the Merton Prayer. I have carried it on my heart for 15 years now, and I pray that it blesses you in the ways that it has blessed me.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going
I do not see the road ahead of me
I cannot know for certain where it will end
Nor do I really know myself
And the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean
That I am actually doing so
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road
Though I may know nothing about it
Therefore will I trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death
I will not fear, for you are ever with me
And you will never leave me to face my perils alone