Back Off—She’s My Friend

“This is going to be a disaster.”

“If I mess this up, everything will fall apart.”

“They probably think I’m an idiot.”

“I can’t believe I said that.” (Sheesh, how many times have I said this one?)

“Everyone else has it figured out except me.”

“I should be further along by now.”

“I’m such an idiot.”

“There’s no point trying. It won’t work.”

If any of these phrases sound familiar as things you say to yourself, you are in a very large club. Research shows that about 80% of the thoughts we have about ourselves are negative, and our self-talk reflects that.

As the self-appointed communication evangelist, my focus is usually on how we talk to each other, especially during conflict. However, this high rate of negative self-talk, or “intrapersonal communication,” is a type of conflict. Our inner critic can be brutally loud and obnoxiously fueled by our insecurities about money, relationships, conversation, performance, spirituality, body image, intelligence... the list is long. Never in a million years would we talk to other people like we talk to ourselves. It’s unthinkable. We wouldn’t even allow other people to speak in this manner in our presence. Yet we allow these thoughts to bully us every day.

I battle it too, but I’m confident we can bring that 80% negative self-talk down to at least 75%. Are you with me? I offer this short list as a place to start:

1. The first step is always to notice and acknowledge it. 
   The quicker you notice your own behavior, the quicker you can take action. 

2. Let’s call a spade a spade. 
   Fear is a liar. Understand and name this hyper-critical self-talk as verbal fear. That’s all. The fear makes sense, right? The consequences of failing are high, and we have our share of bruises from our own failures. But let’s make sure we are separating fear from facts. What do we know is objectively true right now versus what we fear might be true? 

3. “Is this self-talk helping me improve anything, or am I just torturing myself?”
   This blunt question helps check the snowball effect. While I’m hungry for feedback because I want to improve, it’s important for me to really stop and take a look at the outcome of that inner voice. I find my negative self-talk is completely depressing and makes me want to fall face-first into a pile of cookies, or to stay in bed and escape with a good book. Once I answer this question, it breaks the free-fall.

4. What would I say to a client or friend? 
   I never sugar-coat a serious situation, but I certainly don’t verbally abuse anyone like I allow my inner critic to do to me at times. When I think about how I coach or support others during serious conflicts, I’m listening intently and asking for more information. I’m practical, realistic, positive, prayerful, and productive. I’m connecting them with resources, offering incremental steps and habits, and cheering on any small victory. This is so easy for me to do with others because I truly believe they can improve by implementing small changes. Big improvements don’t happen without the small improvements. Miracles are not required. We can and should do the same for ourselves.

5. Lean into your church family. 
   Whatever it is, others have walked that path. With just a little bit of vulnerability, if you’re willing to mention your struggle, you can receive encouragement, prayers, and a supportive community. I fully believe God created the church for these very reasons. We are designed to function better together. Many of us have had problems with money, kids, jobs, marriage, things we don’t talk about, or all of the above! 

6. Hear Jesus say to you, “Hey, back off. She’s my friend.” 
   When those I love are being criticized, I’m instinctively defensive. While I spend my entire career trying to coach myself and others to outsmart the nuclear fallout from defensiveness, this is the exception. Verbal abuse is real, whether it’s internal or external. Just as we wouldn’t allow our loved ones to be verbally abused, Jesus doesn’t want that for you either. When your inner critic is throwing word grenades into your head, hear Jesus say to you, “Hey, back off. She’s my friend.”

I’m sure our credentialed counselors would have helpful things to add to this list. However, as your communication evangelist, I study and understand the sheer power of words and how communication shapes our identity. Your inner critic can amass too much evil power if we don’t put the brakes on this draining habit. Start here and repeat after me: “Hey, back off. She’s my friend.” This simple phrase doesn’t change your to-do list, or your bank account balance. However, it puts you in a position to tackle the challenges you face with much more support, productivity, and kindness. 

*Bonus tip: use a timer

Sometimes procrastination can be a source of inner criticism. When I find myself procrastinating on a task, especially one that my inner critic is torturing me with, I like to set a timer for 30 minutes. This launches me into working productively until the timer goes off—and that helps silence the inner critic. More often than not, I immediately set the timer again and continue working, or I just ditch the timer because I’m energized by the momentum. But even if I don’t, I can feel good about what I accomplished since starting is often the hardest part.