X’s and O’s

Hi everyone, Amanda Box here, back to share my adventures as a communication evangelist. I’ve recently worked with two different clients who asked me to help with some extremely challenging conversations. I’m so incredibly proud of both of them. Despite feeling nervous and fearful, they did what needed to be done, which is no small feat. I sincerely wish my job had a scoreboard, because these people deserve applause. Truly, few people would show such courage.

Both situations required significant planning and preparation. Below is a breakdown of what this looked like. 

1. Outcome

Both clients gave a great deal of thought to what they specifically wanted. While I did ask them multiple clarifying questions during our coaching sessions, they were clear on the desired outcomes. It’s not unusual for people to take weeks to discern what they want and to decide if they are really willing to tackle a difficult conversation. I continue to say that the longer you wait, the more difficult the conversation is. However, in my experience, it’s never too late.

2. Communication Plan

A communication plan, no matter how simple, is a critical part of handling conflict. The plan becomes increasingly more important if multiple groups are involved. The last thing you want is for people to fill in their own blanks or hijack your preferred timeline. You can’t control every variable, but you can work hard to influence the process and communicate your expectations clearly. The words are not the only important element of handling a conflict; a communication plan helps align all the important elements and outsmarts a great deal of impulsiveness and negative fallout. Below is a list of questions we considered:

a. What is the primary message? 
b. Who are the primary audiences and how are they different?
c. Are there variations of the message for different groups?
d. When is the optimum delivery date and time?
e. What channels will be used: verbal, written, video, combination, public, private, something else?
f. Is there a need for confidentiality before a larger group is addressed? Make sure you specifically ask people to honor your wishes. Sadly, even if you specifically ask, complete confidentiality is a long shot. 
g. What other information needs to be immediately available after the message is delivered?

3. Feedback

Carefully drafting your words and getting feedback is critical. It’s simply impossible to be objective about your own communication. There is a reason why we’ve all said, “That sounded better in my head.” If the conversation is risky, then getting feedback from someone you trust is wise. Subtle edits can make a huge difference in achieving the difficult balance of honesty and diplomacy. With my clients, we worked hard to keep the word-count down, so that the message was clear and concise. We did not want to escalate the situation, nor did we want to invite distractions. We did everything possible to facilitate sincere listening. 

4. Practice

Practicing out loud is essential. Without practicing out loud first, failure is a certainty. I practiced with each client repeatedly until they could deliver the words in a professional and credible manner. This doesn’t just happen; it requires practice. This is understood in every other part of life, yet people throw this knowledge out the window when it comes to communication. Not only did we practice the words, we also rehearsed worst-case scenarios: defensive responses, rude comments, guilt trips, and negative body language. Because we practiced these things, my clients were able to maintain their balance during a high-pressure situation. All this practice allows your brain and your body to sync up while being uncomfortable. 

5. Prayer 

Before each conversation, I prayed for my clients. I asked God to give them a spirit of peace, to grant them a sense of calm, and to fill them with his courage. I also prayed for the others who would be in the room—that they would have open ears and minds, as well as a willingness to learn from the experience. 

Since I pay attention to conversations in ways that normal people watch ballgames, my hope is that the above X’s and O’s of the preparation process are helpful for you. This communication evangelist is cheering you on as you navigate your own conflicts and support others through theirs. You can do it.