You Don’t Need Permission—You Need Skill
Okay, people. You know who you are. At the very hint of speaking up, you feel uncomfortable, possibly worried about what others might think, or apprehensive that speaking up might harm the relationships at work or at home. Maybe you censor or shut your own ideas down before others have the chance. Are you waiting on a feeling of confidence, comfort, a verbal invitation, or permission before you speak up?
Well, your communication evangelist is here to proclaim that you don’t need permission or confidence; you need skill.
As a seasoned communication coach, I absolutely know that you can learn how to speak up when it matters to you, despite feeling uncomfortable. To be clear, it’s your decision. If you are happy with staying quiet, I won’t argue; it’s your call. However, I would assert that if you have concerns, others do too. Even if you are the only one with concerns, your perspective is vital to making the best decision. Yes, the anxiety is absolutely real, but you can feel anxiety and speak up at the same time. I promise, you can learn to speak up with skill. There is no magic to being a strong communicator. Communication is a learned physical skill.
I offer these five truths to work on your skills.
You live and breathe, so you matter, which means you have every right to speak up. You do not need an invitation or permission. Period. It’s a frustratingly common feeling to think you shouldn’t speak up. It’s quite likely that everyone, except you, wants you to speak up. So ask for what you need. If I’m not thirsty, I may not realize that you need a drink of water.
Name what your real fears are. Put them on a list. Is each thing a reality, or do you just fear it might happen? Bad things happen, yes. Maybe even the worst happens. I’m here to assure you that there isn’t anything we can’t work through if one or both are willing to be persistent in preserving the relationship. I’ve seen too many healed relationships to write off any situation as impossible. Understand that fear can have such a chokehold that you are essentially paralyzed, making the situation far worse on every level.
When you do speak up, talk louder and slower. I know this might seem ridiculous, but when your brain hears a confident voice, it makes a big difference. IT WILL SOUND LIKE A FIRE ALARM IN YOUR HEAD, so prepare to be uncomfortable, but no one else will bat an eye. I would bet you my last Diet Coke that no one will even notice you are talking louder; they will simply continue the conversation because you are speaking with credibility. I dare you to try it.
Practice using specific phrases when things are awkward in your everyday conversation but aren’t yet a full-blown conflict. I call these pocket phrases. The more you hear your own voice using the actual words, the more normal it will be for you. Since we don’t practice managing difficult conversations every day, the shock of being thrown into one can throw us off balance, and withdrawal or silence can become our go-to defense. Phrases like, “I get that and have some concerns,” or, “Let’s make a pros and cons list,” or, “My experience has been ___.” If the very thought of speaking up immediately is just something you can’t do right now, I get that. Understand, though, that the longer you wait, the harder it will be. If you normally need two weeks to work up the courage to bring up a difficult conversation, decrease that time to one week. Any decrease is a big step in the right direction. You can still use the same pocket phrase after you remind people about the topic. “Last week, you brought up the possibility of taking a new job, which would mean a move. Let’s make a pros and cons list.”
Talk less, just be clear. Do you have to talk about everything? Nope!! For those of you with a low word count, this should be good news. But Amanda Box law says that you either deal with the conflict or get over it. Pick one and create a plan for how you want to proceed. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that no one notices you’re upset. They aren’t buying it and would much rather you go ahead and speak up, than for you to pretend nothing is wrong. When you don’t speak up, others are very likely making their own assumptions that you don’t care, or don’t want to be involved. The de facto silent treatment never fails to cause trouble.
If you are making progress on any of these five areas, you are doing great! I’m seriously proud of you. Rest assured, in no way, am I saying you need to be an extrovert. I can tell you: we extroverts have our own issues! When you have an issue that is important to you, I simply want you to know that you can absolutely speak up with clarity and power.
