Conflict: Our Story (Part 2)
This post is a two-part essay; the first half of this piece is available here.
In this first part of this two-part piece, we talked about how we got to that point of conflict, and the actions we took to try to resolve things. Now, in part two, we’ll discuss what we wish we had done differently, and the lessons we both learned.
What we wish we had done differently
Jerry
If I could climb into a time machine and go back, I would sit down with Amanda and facilitate open, honest, and vulnerable conversation(s). I would first listen to what she was experiencing, feeling, and understanding. I would want clarity on her perspectives, approaches, and motivations. I would try to understand the challenges of this season in her ministry and life. I would invite Amanda to speak into my functioning for both good and bad. I would also be courageous about narrating my perspective, holding it loosely, and making it available for correction. I would be curious about her thoughts on how to go forward. Honesty, openness, confession, and prayer would rule.
Amanda
I appreciate the things Jerry wrote here, and I have the same list. I sincerely tried to do some of these things, but I wasn’t successful. I think my own contributions are something I should have considered more. I understood some things at the time, but hindsight is always clearer.
This was my first official ministry job, so I was ignorant of elder/staff dynamics. I just expected us to work well together, and that was naive. I’m not sure what all was going on between Jerry and the elders, or even the anxiety in the system, but Jerry took another job, so there’s that. I understand that ministry jobs have shelf lives; Jerry explained to me why he needed to leave; his reasons were valid.
Looking back, I’m not sure I communicated that I loved my job and really wanted to work with this staff specifically. I didn’t take that job as a filler or because I couldn’t find anything else. I was there because I wanted to be, and I stayed 11 years. But during/after the conflict, it seemed like that was questioned.
The pregnancy was a huge factor in 2011. I’m not sure how that affected others’ willingness to approach me, but I’m sure it did. After the baby was born in 2011, I was overall in a much better place, but maybe I could have been more approachable. I remember when Jon was there working with us, and someone said I was defensive. That made me so mad, but it was true. I still have to work on that ALL the time. I’m sure that didn’t help my approachability. In my mind, I had tried really hard to resolve things, and to be a good team player, but it seemed to me that people had lots of opinions but weren’t interested in my efforts.
Another contribution was my nontraditional schedule. I was working like a madwoman, logging lots and lots of hours, but many were outside the traditional business day, working after the baby went to bed or on weekends when I had free babysitters. I lived so close that it was easy for me to go up to the building at night or work on things at home. I was picking up a little consulting to pay bills. I had to use my sick days to cover five people, including a baby! I know those things affected my credibility. This was pre-COVID, and others couldn’t see all the hours I was working. It never occurred to me that my non-traditional schedule contributed to distrust, since I was accomplishing everything I needed to.
Lessons Learned
Jerry
I’ve learned how anxiety concerning false needs of approval, validation, perfection, or control can and did impede my ability to work through conflict in a productive way. Healthy ministry begins with my availability to put others’ interests up front: to empower, cheer, encourage, and deeply care about those with whom I serve. Honesty in both soft and hard conversations is a key to relational well-being. Truth and love have to work together. From my end, I must share the story in my head in a confessional spirit, stating its tenuous and biased nature. When people are anxious, unhappy with me, avoiding me or even attacking me, I want to be curious about that. I want to gently initiate conversations and be quick to imagine that I may have said or done something that has affected our relationship.
Amanda and others have taught me how the commitment and practice of honesty and openness is crucial to benefiting from conflict. Amanda possessed the courage and desire to pursue needed conversations. This requires a responsibility to initiate conversations, curiosity about the perspectives and understandings of others, and genuineness in sharing my own perspectives while holding them tenuously and being open to pushback. Guarding the well-being of those in the conversation rather than protecting my own image opens the way for curiosity and understanding. There’s also a skill here that involves understanding one’s own motivations and anxieties, and then there’s the courage to name and expel those demons from the process.
Amanda
As I outlined above, I should have shown more humility in acknowledging my contributions to the conflict: expectations, approachability, defensiveness, and credibility.
Listening is the game changer. Since this conflict, I have worked so very hard to be an elite listener who is less defensive; I’m still a work in progress, but I’m far more self-aware.
One huge thing that I’ve learned is that people hardly ever disagree about specific outcomes; they disagree about “how” to accomplish the goal. Lack of alignment throughout our whole organization was a really big culprit for us, leading to misaligned expectations, assumptions, disengagement, and yes, communication problems.
While my conscience is clear about addressing issues directly, one-on-one, and without delay, the lesson I’m still learning is that conflict is just really hard, and the fear is paralyzing for people. Even back then, I understood that most people are not as extroverted and forthright as I am. Since I was initiating the conversations, I really expected that it would be enough for full resolution. It wasn’t. It kills me to know that I was sitting in Jerry’s office, feeling that we were doing everything required to achieve resolution, and he still didn’t feel safe enough to be honest. That never occurred to me; I guess I thought that if I was sincerely open to hearing the truth, it would be enough. The big lesson here for me is that I was making some big assumptions based upon my own experience, comfort level, and expectations.
A few years after all this, Jerry called me. We talked for a while and revisited some of our experiences. I’ll always be grateful that he took the time to circle back and was seriously shocked when he chose to generously apologize. I was at peace and truly thought we had achieved full resolution before he left our staff. While I didn’t feel that he needed to apologize, it was incredibly validating; I believe that the apology fully healed our friendship.
Jerry
I’m grateful that Amanda and I work together for the same Lord, and that she loves Jesus and his grace. When we serve with people who share that same love, it means even if we don’t do conflict well at times, or respond immaturely, there’s still grace available. I can say, “Hey sis, I blew this, I wish I would have been better, you deserved better. I’m sorry.” And she says, “I forgive you—I did a long time ago.” And we can go forward, better, together. She’s taught me how to be brave. It’s so worth it!
Conclusion
Conflict is to be expected; get in there and work on it. There are multiple people, resources, books, and wise voices that can help you improve your skills. Possibly the best gift for your congregation is conflict training. The longer you wait, or the more you let fear paralyze you, the worse it gets. Everything you want in any relationship is on the other side of productively handling conflict: growth, friendship, cohesion, momentum, understanding, less drama, stronger communication skills, effective problem solving….
We pray that our experience of conflict, growth, and healing will help you achieve the same. Shalom.
