A Family Crossroads: When Faith and Sports Collide (Part 4)
“My daughter doesn’t feel like she is really accepted by the kids in the youth group anymore. I’m not sure why they’re treating her like this either. She hasn’t even been at anything this summer, and they are acting like they hardly know her.”
I remember this difficult conversation – it was one I had to have with a mom of one of my students. This woman’s daughter was a very motivated kid who worked hard in the classroom and at her sport. She was an A student and played on her school’s volleyball team. Being on the school volleyball team and the select travel teams in that area was very important to both her and her mother. This came at a great financial cost, but it also came with a higher price tag on her schedule.
I was the youth minister at their church at the time, and over each summer, I led a mission trip, a church camp, and multiple road trips in addition to a variety of local events and activities. Over this particular summer, the young woman in question missed every single event and activity that I had put together. The first time she came back to one of our Bible studies, she felt like an outsider and talked to her mom about it… who then called me, wanting me to fix what she felt like was an exclusive culture within the ministry.
I replied, “I’m sorry she feels that way, and I can understand where she might be coming from, but I assure you that they are not excluding her. I have watched multiple students greet her and be kind to her. I think she feels left out because these students are talking about all of the different events and activities they experienced together over the summer, and she wasn’t there, so it’s hard for her to feel a part.”
It wasn’t that the other students didn’t like or respect this girl. It was that they experienced God and life together in so many ways over the summer through these missions trips, camps, and other spiritually formative activities. These experiences all came in a restored, intimate community. More simply put: they did life together. They didn’t reject those outside of that life, but it was a little harder to find common ground with them.
Over the last few months, I have been writing about the intersection of faith with sports and other extracurricular activities. (In case you missed them, here’s part 1, part 2, and part 3.) I worked as a basketball coach and trainer for about three years, and then as a full-time youth minister for five years. Now, I am a preaching minister with kids of my own who are getting more and more involved in youth sports. I don’t have this all figured out by any means, but I do want to share from my limited experience.
When I think back on my time as a youth minister, I certainly did not handle this like I should have. I strongly encouraged my students to never miss anything in the youth ministry, oftentimes too strongly. I was raised in a home where I never skipped church. It simply wasn’t allowed. It was a few years into my youth ministry career before I fully realized just how unique my experience was.
There is something to be said about honoring commitments made to teams or programs. There is an understanding of wanting to get your money’s worth when you sign your child up for a team, especially a select team which can cost families thousands of dollars per season. Like I said in my previous post though, there are several hidden costs. We can fail to count those.
As a former youth minister, my two primary encouragements to parents of athletes would be two things:
Find balance. This is incredibly difficult, as pretty much every community we are a part of demands as much of your time as it can get and will oftentimes penalize you when that time isn’t given. Church events and activities are often the first thing to go because no penalty is immediately felt. Your child can be both an athlete and a devout follower of Jesus, and many times this will be seen even more so on the court or field. Remember, though, that the less you attend the gatherings of team members or church members, the less connected you will feel to that particular group as time goes on. If a student misses an entire summer of events and activities at church, he or she should not be surprised to feel disconnected from the ministry upon returning. Note: feeling rejected and feeling disconnected are not the same thing, but to a teenager, it might feel that way. If this is ever the case, I encourage you to talk with the ministry staff or shepherds of your congregation to see how you can get your child reconnected.
Talk to your child about the importance of faith and gathering in community with other believers. This also does NOT have to be done only at your congregation or student ministry. Growing up, I played travel basketball. Many of my tournaments were about an hour from where I lived, and we usually had a game around the time my home church had worship services. When this was the case, my parents made it a point to take me to another church near where my game was for worship and communion. At the time I didn’t think much of it, but looking back, I can see how it was incredibly formative. Joining the gathering of believers became extremely important to me regardless of how well I knew that gathering or even if I knew them at all. Church can still happen even if it’s not the normal church that you and your family are used to. This leads me to my second point…
Find Jesus everywhere! Sometimes the court or the field can be the best location for mission that you and your child can ever experience. If we believe in an all present and active God, then you don’t have to go to church to find Him (although I often find it easier there). In my first post on this topic, I shared a core spiritual memory of my dad putting together a short time of worship with a team I coached. At the time I found it weird and embarrassing, but I now see it as super formative for me. And, you may have noticed: the earliest command in scripture for parents talking to their kids about God and faith does NOT actually mention that discussion taking place in a church gathering (Deuteronomy 6:4-9).
For many of the kids and parents you will see out there, you might be the closest thing to church for many of them. Almost every youth and children’s minister I know would LOVE to have a conversation with parents about how they can best minister to your kids, especially if they can do so at the game or practice. It’s an absolute thrill as a minister to be asked to lead some sort of devotional for an entire team, especially when most of that team are total strangers to you.
What might it look like if parents, coaches, and other leaders simply took time to wonder with their players and performers where Jesus might have been in their lives over the last week? Where are they seeing faith, hope, and love either exemplified or personified? Instead of feeling like you “missed church,” don’t miss and just take it to those whom you are with!
I wish that I could share some sort of blueprint for how to perfectly handle this. I wish there was a straightforward way to find balance in sports, church, and a Christ-filled life. Relationships are never that simple though. Neither is being an active member of a community or two – or, for most of us, half a dozen communities.
As the late, great Thomas Merton once wrote to God in a prayer, “I do believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you, and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.”
My next post in a couple of months will be my last on this topic. I’ll be sharing where I currently stand now that I have kids of my own who are becoming active in sports. One thing I have picked up about my kids is this: whenever I am trying really hard at something, they notice. Looking back, I noticed the same thing with my own parents. If a life in communion with Jesus Christ is extremely important to you, they will notice… and I believe at that point, at the very least, you will be heading in the right direction.
